You are not in love

Why do men feel like they need to get certain things out of their system? Do they? If they don’t will it ruin their marriage after a few years? Can they settle for the perfect woman once they meet her?

Last week I had a conversation with someone. After a few drinks, we started to talk about relationships. But he is currently with the woman of his dreams and he didn’t want to let her go. However, he was hesitant on popping the big question to her because when being around other women, he at times felt ‘temptation’. His dilemma was that he needed to get ‘certain things’ out of his system before marrying this woman (which he says is the perfect one).

So I sat there at the bar politely listening to him and trying to understand what this temptation was and what these ‘certain things’ were that he needed to get out of his system. While also thinking to myself “Wow I really love Flavio. I have a keeper at home.”

In my personal experience, I have never felt temptation for any other man since the day I met Flavio. And I believe he hasn’t felt temptation for other women either. I think it is okay to see someone else and admit he/she is attractive or what not. Like C’mon look at Ryan Gosling. But to feel tempted to do something stupid knowing you have the best person right next to you or at home? Then in my opinion, you are not in love.

If you have to doubt and think twice about being with someone, it isn’t love. Don’t do it. Don’t ask her to marry you.  It may be love later down the line, at another stage of life, but not now. I never hesitated to want to marry Flavio and I still don’t hesitate now after living together, picking up after him and arguing on who left a dirty dish in the sink and now we have ants are everywhere. I love him and wouldn’t change his ways.

See?.. the thing is that people mature, settle down and value different things at different stages of life. And it is okay.  There is no timeline to these moments. Flavio and I value each other and settled down at the same time. Why? Because we knew what we found when we met.. We appreciate what we have gone through and wouldn’t do it any other way.

So my question to many men AND women out there. If you’d like to be anonymous that’s fine. But tell me, have you ever had the feeling of temptation while in a relationship and why?

To those who have never had this feeling, give me your thoughts as well. Because in my opinion, if you have temptations, then you are not truly in love. Am I right?

  • I LOVE this and definitely agree with you. I have been with my bf for 6 years and couldn’t imagine feeling any type of “temptation” toward any man. If I ever did, I honestly would end the relationship. How can you possibly want to hurt someone you love especially if you consider them the “perfect” person? Its crazy how people are willing to choose a temporary temptation over something that can last a life time, which is called love and a relationship. Great post!


  • Before I met my husband, I always felt like I was missing something in my previous relationships. I’ve never cheated on another person, even though I didn’t feel complete in the relationship. You are not in love, if you keep thinking about other people. Grass in not always greener on the other side, we all have flaws, nobody is perfect! My husband and I have been through some very tough times, but I stayed by his side, because I knew that our love for each other is stronger then everything we have been through. If part of you keep doubting yourself about your relationship, then you should not be with that person, do not make him/her suffer, maybe it’s just simply not meant to be. Great post Ari!

    • ari

      Exactly! When you know you have a good man by your side, your mind shouldn’t wander! So glad you get it too! I think once people find “the one”, they’ll understand this feeling as well.

  • Once upon a time… I was in a picture perfect relationship that seemed great from the outside… but I still had feelings for my ex. Obviously I wasn’t in love, so the relationship had to end. You’re so right. If you think twice, it isn’t love. Great advice Ari.
    Randi with an i

    • ari

      Aww I am glad you were smart enough to know and end it there. That takes a lot!

  • I agree with you! If you love someone, you’re fully committed to them and don’t want anyone else. Like you said, it’s natural to find other people attractive (Channing Tatum for me!) but at the end of the day, I’d choose my boyfriend over anyone else. I think any doubts either means you’re not ready, or that you’re not really in love.

    • ari

      Exactly! I always tell him that I’ll choose him over Ryan Gosling and he laughs thinking I’m kidding. But it’s true!! It’s all about the relationship and the bond we have built. That doesn’t happen with anyone.

      And yes, Channing Tatum is right there next to Ryan Gosling lol

  • maddy13

    I completely agree with you. If you feel you need to be with anyone other than the person you are with then you are not in love. The thought of ever kissing another man turns my stomach. Sure there are attractive guys out there *cough Ryan Gosling, James Marsden cough* but given the choice I would pick my handsome, wonderful man every time. No one could measure up, because the only person I am in love with is him.

    I only ever felt something close to temped once when I was with my ex. I met this very attractive guy and we danced; he asked me to kiss him and I said ‘No, I have a boyfriend.’ That’s all that came of it yet I beat myself up about it for days before telling my then-boyfriend. I felt horrible that I had felt any bit of attraction for someone who wasn’t my boyfriend and I did love him dearly. But I knew where the line was and I was never once worried that I would cross it. Even though I thought this boy was very charming, I know that I never would have kissed him. As it turns out my then-boyfriend was cheating on me and lied to me throughout our entire five year relationship, so I suppose I needn’t have beat myself up over it so much.

    • ari

      Wow Maddy. I’m sorry for that. I think cheating is the worst thing a man or woman can do. I’m glad you have a good head on your shoulders and you understand the importance and the respect that a relationship should be given 🙂

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