I often hangout with girlfriends for brunch or wine nights. Seven out of ten times, if you put women in a room with alcohol, the main topic of conversation is men. This is a legitimate stat…tested by me.
I often just sit and listen on these conversations. I haven’t been in the dating world for over 4 years. My dates consists on begging my husband to cook because I’m tired of cooking all week or just giving up and grabbing pizza at our new favorite spot by the apartment. Sometimes we do have our ‘real’ dates where we dress nice and go to a nice restaurant. Except on these dates we are not trying to make small talk and learn about each other’s hobby but instead we are gossiping about what our friends did last weekend and about what happened on the last episode of whatever show we are currently watching.
Hence, when I hangout with the girls and listen to their dating life, I must admit that I sort of live through them on their experiences. Dating in a world full of dating apps is an interesting science. When I was single, I am not sure dating apps were a thing and even if they were, meeting a guy was not an issue. It was college. You could sit down in the library and meet a guy. Although I did not meet my husband at a library. I actually ended up meeting my husband at a bar’s parking garage with a bottle of whiskey on his hand. He did turn out to be Mr. Smarty Pants (believe it or not). It went from nights of partying to all of a sudden knowing that I had just met the person that I would marry.
So as I look back, I am not sure I ever learned how dating works. I was never in a rush to find someone. It just happened (luckily). And as I talk to friends who aren’t in a relationship, I realize that dating isn’t a simple matter. It’s tough to find your better half. It’s tough to find someone who compliments you as well as you compliment him or her. There are no rules, no guidelines, and no warnings on how to find that someone. So how do you go about dating the right person?
I have come up with a few ideas on this topic that I find myself telling others quite often. I may not know much about dating but I do know a little more about what holds that relationship together after the awkward stages of dating are over. So lookout for these signs when dating.
Live the moment: When I met my husband, I had no idea I had just met my future husband. I will say I liked him and we instantly clicked but it wasn’t like I fell in love on the spot and went home to plan a fairy tale about us. We started hanging out more often and I continued to go with the flow of things. I was open to going out, to meeting his friends, to letting him meet my friends and to talk about any topics that came up. Looking back I would say, live the moment when you are with the person you are dating. Don’t look too much into thoughts of getting married and talking about such topics. Enjoy the moment for what it is.
Don’t change the things you love for him or her: Learn to be happy and proud with who you are. I often see people hiding something about themselves for embarrassment or being scared that it will disappoint the other person. Trust me, there is someone who will like your 1940s movie collection. And let’s say that maybe they don’t like your passion/obsession/hobby, but if they like you for other reasons, they will either try to like your 1940s collection or at least be part of it with you somehow. They will learn to appreciate your passion. It’s what makes you, you.
You should compromise in some areas: However the advice above is tricky. Don’t think that they must like you for everything you are and period. There are a few things in which compromise will need to happen. But I don’t mean drop what you love because they don’t like it. I mean, go watch a football game with him because he will hopefully join you for a yoga session. Compromise. You do something he likes and he does something you like. You give up something he hates. He gives up something you hate. There’s no way you will both like and dislike the same things. Learn to compromise.
Look for the right qualities: Hear me out on this one. I hate it when I ask someone about their date and all I hear is “oh he was so hot”, “His arms were so muscular”, “he is so tall”. Do you see what is wrong here? None of those things mean anything if he is a douche. Don’t get me wrong, don’t we all want that? But that should be secondary to what matters. What really matters are things such as both of you sharing the same values, that both have goals and aspirations that align with each other and that respect exists between the two of you. Those are the things that will help you go from dates to a relationship to a life together, forever.
Be realistic: Hey girl, Ryan Gosling is taken. I know, that hurts. But find another one. Ryan Goslings come in all shapes and forms. Mine came in the Asian form. Yours may look a little more similar to Ryan.. or not. My point is, delete that image of ‘the perfect guy’ you have on your mind. Spoiler alert: There isn’t such a thing. I am pretty sure Ryan Gosling also farts. Be open to meeting someone who does not fit the idea you had in mind. That person may just be the one.
Love is so intriguing. It works in so many different ways. It’s hard for some of us and easy for others. But regardless of how you are looking for love, once you find it, it should feel natural. Anything that is forced, isn’t love. Anything that you second guess, isn’t love. When you find it, you will know. And every cell in your body will tell you it’s right <3